To Elf or Not to Elf

To Elf or Not to Elf?

We all know the deal with the Elf on the Shelf at this point and the rules that children need to follow like no touching, be on your best behavior because the elf will report to Santa every night with a daily briefing. If you have already committed to doing the elf, you may have grossly underestimated the level of commitment it would require and are regretting your choice. If so, I hope this article breathes new life into your “elf practice”. If you're firmly choosing NOT to participate in this charade, I wholeheartedly support you in this choice…AND…would like to share a perspective that you may not have heard.

Elf Extension of Self

Since Parents primarily manage all things elf related, it only makes sense that the elf "inherits" many of our parenting tendencies. This can sometimes lead to the elf/child dynamic being a carbon copy of  the parent/child dynamic full of the same power struggles and challenges. Elves will often engage in tattling, taunting and even become a disciplinarian that withholds treats or threatens to not return or worse…tell Santa to put them on the naughty list. Can we please stop?

Elves have but one snapshot to bestow on children for an entire day. Since there is only one opportunity each day to engage with your kiddos. Is the message they receive from the elf one with the magic of the season…perhaps a little mischief, or is it heavy with threats of punishments or consequences if the children misbehave?

What is the Actual Goal Here?

Consider what you would like to accomplish with the elf. Is it strictly for entertainment purposes and silliness or are you wanting the elf to reinforce important values like kindness, helpfulness and creativity? I'd love to offer some guidelines that help me to keep my family's Elf on the Shelf aligned with our intended purpose.

It needs to be stated that my daughter is absolutely obsessed with our Elf, Wendell. He is her best friend and she talks about him year round! He writes notes each day in a Journal that is only used for Elf and Santa communication. This works brilliantly because I'm not scrambling for a piece of paper while moving the elf around in a semi-exhausted state. Additionally, the notebook will be a keepsake for my kiddos to reflect on later on in life when the gig is up. Also, for the past couple of years I have invested in the premade "Elf Kits" and they are worth every penny (to me) and since I have a daughter who also loves to play with dolls, the leftover Elf activities are used throughout the year as doll accessories and activities.

Our Household Elf Boundaries.

• The Elf is ONLY positive. No matter the behaviors and choices that were made throughout the day, the Elf will never correct, admonish or shame. The Elf can acknowledge a struggle, but only in a positive way. For example:

"I saw that you were really struggling with your emotions for a little bit, but then you turned it around. I’m proud of you for working through the tough time and then finding your calm. I even saw how sweet you were when you hugged your mom and dad goodnight! Look at how great you're growing!"

"I sometimes get distracted with my homework too. I see how hard you're trying and I'm so proud of you. I told Santa all about it!"

“I saw you offer to help mom with dishes last night all on your own! The other elves and I had a mini dance party after I told them about it…we always celebrate when a child offers help out of the goodness of their hearts”

• The Elf does not go into bedrooms and bathrooms. That's just a personal boundary that we have. If the elf is watching, some things should remain private like dressing and potty time. 

• I choose to think about our Elf as an expression of love and all good things that I want to nurture and develop in my child. The Elf captivates a particular part of my child's attention that I may not be able to reach. It's such an opportunity to reinforce those things that we know will serve them well throughout their lives.

• Have a plan! Don't let 10 PM roll around without knowing what you're going to do. Even if you don't have the little Elf kit to fall back on, try to listen throughout the day for what could be a meaningful placement.For example, if your child was in a school performance that evening, the Elf could be inspired to put on it's own performance (however you can), or something related to soccer or whatever they had mentioned or are interested in. 

I hope this offers some encouragement and inspiration to your Elf game. As always, don't hesitate to reach out to me if you'd like a FREE 30 minute discovery call or strategy session to try to gain clarity and confidence around an area of your parenting that is causing stress. You're doing a great job! I'm so honored to have you as a part of this community.