The Gift of Reframe

“If there is anything we wish to change in our child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves.” –Carl Jung

The Gift of Reframe

I am sure you have heard the phrase, “perspective is everything”, and would strongly agree with it. But do you know why this is so valuable and do you know how to practice it? Now I certainly do not claim to be the enlightened master of this subject, but I have had some profound realizations that have made a lasting impression on my being and strive to practice choosing the perspective path with intention rather than being stuck in a default pattern of thinking. I’ve seen how perspective can shift your world in an instant! Sometimes a perspective shift can present itself so clearly you cannot deny it. Other times, we need to take a pause, consider the alternative viewpoints to contemplate and then choose which perspective we would like to move forward with.

Just Another Day

One sunny Arizona morning, my three year old (at the time) daughter and I were sharing our typical morning commute to work/daycare. Traffic in the Phoenix Metro area, headed to ASU campus in Tempe was always a hectic adventure. Lots of brake lights. Charlie was typically happy as can be in her carseat, singing along to whatever Disney movie was trending in her world, as I focused on getting us safely to our destination doing my normal huffing and puffing at all the traffic. While I was careful to avoid cuss words in my everyday language, I confess that my dysregulation was coming through nonetheless. You don’t need to swear to have a sour attitude. Anyhow, on this particular morning, I heard my sweet child huff out a long, teenager quality noise and said, “Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh…come ON people!”. She was picking up on my attitude and mimicking those little mutterings that we feel are benign in the moment. Hearing them reflected back to me out of the mouth of my darling…not ideal. So, what to do?

After a brief pause, I knew I had two choices if I wanted to get her thinking on a different path. The first was to correct her, but that seemed hypocritical. How could I justify telling her to “be nice” or to think differently when my actions had clearly taught her otherwise. So, I chose the second path. A reframe. 

Ground in with a question:

First we needed to ground into the humanity of the situation. Cars on the road are not inanimate objects, each one is driven by a person who is trying to get from one place to another. In a curious tone, I began, “Wow Charlie! Look at all of these cars. I wonder where all of these people are going? What do you think? Are they going to visit family? Are they going to work? Are they going to the store?” 

I wanted to bring the awareness back that even though we do not know these people, they are people and deserve our respect and consideration. We looked at the faces of the people in the cars that we could see. This practice was already starting to create an authentic shift within me. This matters to me because I don't want to just Jedi mind trick my child into being a kind human, I care to BE a kind human.

Reframe:

“We are all going the same direction right now aren’t we? It’s ok, c’mon in…we have room” (This was at a particularly chaotic merge area of the freeway). Suddenly I hear Charlie say, “look mom! They’re joining us! C’mon, it’s ok, you can come along! Let’s all go together!!!”

She was so excited. I could see her smiling in the rearview mirror, waving and even beckoning others with her chubby little hand. 

It warms my heart to think about how we transformed our entire attitude around traffic simply by reframing the same scenario in a different way. Did traffic move any faster? No. Did I use my brakes less? No. Did any of this alter the time that we actually arrived at our destination? No. But did we have a different experience of how we got through the traffic…YES. I have applied the power of reframe to shift my perspective in so many different areas and it is amazing how you can literally disappear upset by shifting your perspective and changing your mindset about it. 

Still to this day, my in the car dialogue is a lot more productive. I've also included some general driving wisdom because that 3 year old is now almost 10, and the days of her being the one behind the wheel are fast approaching. I want her to drive with emotional intelligence, not to be driven by her emotions behind the wheel and in life.

Self-Reflection:

Take a look at areas of your life or your routine where you find stinky attitudes emanating from your being. If it’s not an attitude that you want your child to embody, then let’s do better! Think of how you can reframe the situation to be something that gives you access to a peaceful and even empowering perspective. I'm not talking about just looking on the bright side. Sometimes we can look for the positive so much that we are willing to sit there stewing in a pile of muck just because we can somehow see the silver lining in all things. If things are within our realm of control to change, then we do ourselves and our children a disservice to complain about it. Change what is not serving you well and choose the non-negotiables. We cannot change traffic, so embrace an empowered mindset. For me, in this moment, it took my daughter mirroring my attitude back to me to fully appreciate the impact of my stinky attitude. Be grateful for the ways that people in our lives point us to an area to grow and experience more bloom.