Confidence Tee-Up

“Persistence and resilience only come from having been given the chance to work through difficult problems.” - Gever Tulley

Confidence Tee-Up

We all have had those moments with our children or students when we see them experience success and have a big “I did it” moment. These are big deals for kids…like, the biggest deal that often becomes a core memory and identity shaper. As parents, caregivers and teachers, we want children to experience as many of these moments of overcoming as much as possible because we know what a positive impact it can have on their identity and confidence. But how do we know when a magic moment will happen? Better yet, how can we help to create these moments for our children?

Always Be Looking For The Moment

When my daughter Charlie was three years old, we had some extra time in our day and decided to have a picnic at the base of a little Arizona mountain with some hiking trails. We ate our lunch and made our way towards the trails, mentally preparing ourselves for the climb ahead. The closer we got, the greater my spidey senses tingled imagining the potential accidents. The path consisted of loose gravel and sand and we had a couple slips even before reaching the path.

Safety First

We were still in an open area, working up towards the narrow trails where the real danger would begin. Charlie, being in her fierce independent stage, protested holding onto my hand because she wanted to do it by herself. Seriously child?! Do you not see the steep drop-offs and the 3-inch thorns on the Arizona thickets and cactus below??! I was terrified but could see that she was digging in her heels, firmly planted in the “I can do it” mindset…so, while it was still reasonably safe to do so, I allowed her to try to walk unassisted, reminding her with my words to take little steps and to go easy because I don’t want her to slip and fall.

The Incident

Sure enough after several solo steps, she fell down, scraping her knee slightly in the loose gravel. Even though I knew that this could possibly happen, this was not an “I told you so” moment. This is a moment to stop, and make sure she was ok. I scooped her up and we sat down on a nice big rock to brush off her knee and wipe tears until we were all calm and ready to make a plan. We talked about what happened, letting her share her perspective of the stinging pain she felt in her knee, and the fear she felt in her mind and all the other thoughts rolling out of her emotional self. I shared that it was also scary for me to see her fall and how hearing her cry made me sad. We talked about what we could do in the future to stay safe.

The TEE-UP

I set up the opportunity for her to make a choice. “Charlie, if you feel done, we can take the walk back to the van and be done with hiking for the day. You’ve got a scrape on your knee and I know it hurts, and it was scary and I understand if you don't want to continue. But if you want to continue, we can still have our hike as long as you agree to hold onto my hand the whole time.” I saw her look down at her knee, take a deep breath and then looked into my eyes with a determined look fit for Hollywood, she said, “Mommy I want to go on. I can do it.”

The Magical, Over-The-Top Reaction!

“Really!? Even though you’re hurt and even though that was scary, and even though your body might be a little tired now, you still think that you can go on?” And then she looked at me with the cutest, bravest look on her little round face and said, “Yes. I can go on. I can do it Mommy.”

Yes, I know this is a little bit theatrical, but that’s how we roll. And on the rest of our hike (which she helld my hand the entire time), I told her how proud I was of her. Later that day when her daddy came home from work, the first thing she said when she ran up to greet him was how she didn’t give up. She told her classmates at preschool the following day while showing them the tiny knee scrape. She told long distance family members on the phone about it. Fast forward years later, there have been many times where she faced something that was challenging, and I was able to draw from this story, reminding her of the bravery that she has shown in the past, and reminding her that she can do hard things and how good it feels after we’ve done the hard things. Reminding her that she is a will not back down easily when the going gets tough.

How Many Moments Go “Unseen”

This was a small moment that could have gone unseen or easily dismissed. How many times has our child fallen down and scraped a knee and it’s no big deal.

Brush it off.

You’re OK.

It's FINE…You’ll be FINE.

See…I told you so. Maybe NOW you will listen to me.

We get to choose how we react to these situations. By having mindfulness in these small moments, you can more easily spot these opportunities when they arise and seize the moment. We can tell our children “they can do it” till we are blue in the face and it will not make a difference until they "see" it themselves. By framing the situation in this manner, you give them evidence to see the scenario through a strengths based lens. They could easily see this scenario with a negative lens like, “Oh man this was the worst hike ever! It was hot, I scraped my knee, mom made me hold her hand…Ugh!” See the difference? They get to experience their braveness because you’ve identified it in the moment it’s happening. That’s such a more meaningful lesson for them and will have more of a lasting impression in their memory and in their development. These moments happen in the classroom, at the grocery store, at the park and even at the dinner table!

One Last Thing

Even if this had gone the other way and she chose to leave, I would still have made a big deal of how she “listened to her body and did the right thing”. No matter which way you go, there is a value to reinforce!